Now I'm falling asleep and she's calling a cab

By:

ItsMeMikey 

Dated:

24 Apr, 2009

3 Comments

OMG!  It’s Mikey.

The most important thing that I need to talk about is our football game.  I can say unequivocally, that it is in the top three best sporting events that I have ever been involved in.  Our team has been on a huge heater after coming out of the gates really cold.  Watching the other team in their pregame warm-ups, it became obvious that we were going to have our work cut out for us this week.  Every one of their players was extremely athletic and a black person except for one white person and they all had wristbands with numbered plays.  They jumped out to a quick two touchdown lead but only converted on one of the extra points.  We clawed our way back, eventually scoring the go-ahead touchdown with 1 minute 40 seconds remaining in the game to make the score 20-19.  Their offense came onto the field and hit two quick passes putting them at midfield with approximately 70 ticks left on the game clock.  After a controversial play in which their receiver appeared to tip the ball to himself to avoid being tagged resulted in a touchdown, the stage was set for an Elway-esque one minute drill.  We attempted to air it out on play one of our drive to catch them sleeping but it appeared we weren’t going to be able to pull one over on these behemoths.  Two quick, run-and-shoot style plays got us onto their side of the field, about 20 yards from the end zone.  We had about 30 seconds left on the clock and I ran a great crossing route with my teammate which caused an epic collision between the two defenders and resulted in a catch giving us first and goal from the 10 yard line with 12 seconds left.  We were playing for two cracks at the end zone as we had no time outs.  The first pass sailed over the heads of our receivers and took 6 seconds off the clock.  The next play, which we assumed would be our last, was inches out of the reach of a receiver who had beaten his man to the corner.  I felt my heart sink and honestly felt like throwing up.  I take any sporting event extremely seriously and when a game is this close, losing is unacceptable.  We all glanced at the timekeeper on the sideline who said “1.5 seconds” which meant we had one final play.  We lined up and the ball was snapped.  Again a crossing route…the defense is scattered…Ryan “Our Savior” (quarterback) is scrambling…the stupid slut assigned to pass rush finishes her five Mississippi count and begins rushing in…the back foot is planted and like a piston in a Ferrari, Ryan sends a ball into the end zone…BISCUIT/BASKET, YAHTZEE, BING BONG, COUNT IT, 50 UNGGGGH, DIPSET BITCHES, GAME-SET-MATCH, 26-25 final score, NEXT SONG.

After that, the team went to the bar to have 3 or 14 Hoegaardens.  An important topic that has affected me recently that I would like to opine on is animals.  I would say that on an average walk in New York City I see approximately two dogs defecating on the sidewalk.  For some reason, I find this to be so appalling and I actually get nauseous if I watch it take place.  The most atrocious part of the situation is when the human being picks up the feces of the animal with their hand to throw away.  Touching the poop of a subservient creature is so incredibly submissive.  Why would anyone CHOOSE to do this?  Why would anyone choose to have a pet for that matter?  I never understood the point of owning an animal that has no utility.  It seems like the most common argument is that the animal provides love for the owner.  How down and out does a person have to be that they require an animal to provide love to them?  It’s almost a slap in the face to the friends of the owner that he would rather spend time with an animal than his human friends.  If love is the sole reason for owning a pet, you may as well purchase a sex slave.  At least they offer some sort of utility.  Owning A dog or a cat means a person is willingly accepting additional chores each week as well as a financial burden and for what?  I assume that there are a couple of hippie fags reading this right now asking “But Mikey, would you ever have a pet?”  And the answer to that is yes, I would have a pet and it would be a cow, pig, chicken, turkey, lamb or bison and owning the pet would have an end goal which would be beef, pork, chicken breasts, turkey sausage, lamb chops or a bison burger respectively.

Ok bye

Shout outs:

Kristy Arnett – Wow, you have a blog on BlueFire?  I just went from 6 to midnight.  Get some.

Gus Hansen – If you think you’re better than me, well you’re not.

Baby Chelsea – Great performance in the game this past weekend.  Phil and I discussed each players contribution ad infinitum and your name kept coming up as a reliable and solid player.  Hazaa Hazaa.

David Cross – That was cool when you were ordering coffee at the same place that I was.  If you read this and want to hang out, let me know.  Thanks.

Ilari - TAY KEE LAH