Welcome back to the jungle bitches, Mikey Stotz, coming hot and back in blogging action. I think you can chalk up the four month hiatus to me needing my ego stroked and having to hear that people want to read what I have to say. Well with my ego thoroughly massaged, I guess I’ll get back into it.

Oh hey, it’s me.  Mikey.

We’ll start out with some terrible news and follow it up with more bad news.  I chipped my tooth the other day and it has been an absolute disaster.  For most people, this wouldn’t qualify as a dire emergency but when you’re privy to the facial symmetry that I have, the slightest malformation can throw off your entire qi.   As a result, I’ve been forced into seclusion in my bedroom until my dentist appointment tomorrow morning.  When I was forced to emerge for various errands, I wore a veil so no one could see more horribly maimed face.   As God as my witness, if the insurance company tries to claim that the work that I have done is cosmetic, I am going to find those responsible for that decision and have a wild, ecstasy fueled sex party with their immediate family while they are bound and forced to watch and then kill them in the kosher tradition by bleeding them out at the neck.

The second piece of terrible news is regarding my terrible luck with women over the last few months.  Now those of you that know me personally, know that I have a body that was sculpted to the proportions of Da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man and a jaw line that looks like it was cut with a god damned diamond-tipped saw so I’m sure you’re sitting at your computers thinking “Mikey?  Problems with women?  Hogwash.”  Hogwash indeed my friends but I assure you that it’s true.  The problems began when I first arrived in NYC in February of this year but I won’t go that deep into the past.  This summer in Las Vegas worked out medium amount for me as I met a very attractive and cool person (girl) and we started open mouth kissing and stuff like that.  I started hanging out with her more and everything was going well for a while.  It started to get a little…tumultuous towards the end of September and then unbearable by October.  She lives on the other side of the country so it probably would not have worked out too well anyway but it was just an unfortunate set of circumstances surrounding the entire thing.  More recently, I was going out with a girl nearly every day for almost two months before she decided that she was still in love with her ex boyfriend and no longer wanted to see me.  It’s unbelievable, snakelike moves like that that have become commonplace in my life.  There have been other minor instances here and there that I won’t bore you with but take my word for it that they are the same song, second verse.  I’m not sure how to rectify the situation but I am strongly considering the seminary.  I think that becoming a man of the cloth might be a good life.  You get a week to prepare for a 20 minute set, free room and board and you can always pull the “You’re the first person that’s made me question my sacred vows.”

Shoutouts –

Brian Hastings – Where is my rootbone for that 4 mil bink?  Break me off a piece of that son.  I wonder what it’s like to win 80% of your 50/50’s and 90% of your 60/40’s.  Kudos to you and I agree with the compliments that Phil gave you.

Thuy – I can’t speak for anyone else but I dig the shit out of that new look you got going on there.  When are you gonna let me get a crack at that sweet Viet ass?  Good luck with everything baby doll.

Dave ‘Raptor’ Bennefield – I saw you in your little boxing match.  I don’t know if you sent me those clips as an invitation or what but a word of advice – don’t tug on superman’s cape playboy.

Oh hey guys, it’s me, Mikey. Back by popular demand.

Oh hey guys!  It’s me, Mikey, from before?

So I know that every time I update I promise to do so more frequently and then don’t update again for a month but this time I swear that I will start updating more because I just bought a wonderful new laptop computer. 

The rock star tour has landed in the city of angels and everything is going pretty well.  The weather is unbeatable and the place we’re staying is really nice.  It’s in the heart of West Hollywood which for those of you that don’t know LA, is the HIV district.  The hotel staff is all really nice and accommodating, especially the one dude that runs the concierge.  He looks exactly like Rachel Leigh Cook in She’s All That and all I want to do is fuck him because he’s so cute.  I forgot to mention a very terrible thing that happened to me on the very first day that I got to LA.  I had packed most of our clothes into the car that I was driving to LA along with our electronics and other booshit that we acquired over the summer.  When we arrived in LA, I had to fly back to Vegas for one night to wrap up some things so I left the stuff in the car which was parked outside of my friend’s apartment.  The next morning I wake up to a phone call from the girl whose car our stuff was in uncontrollably sobbing and telling me that someone had thrown a brick through her window and stolen things from the backseat.  She said she wasn’t sure what they had stolen.  When I met up with her later in the day, I took inventory of the car and found that the ONLY THING THE PERSON STOLE from the car was my suitcase.  I don’t really have an extensive wardrobe.  It consists, or I should say consisted of five or six T shirts, one pair of jeans, a belt, undies, socks, one dress shirt and a couple pairs of shoes.  Needless to say, this was a pretty poor introduction to the city.

Here’s something that happened at lunch the other day that I think is funny…So there were eight people that sat down to lunch (try to follow the characters as they are integral to the story) . I will list them starting with myself and then go counter-clockwise: me, my friend that is a girl, her friend that is a girl, a mutual guy friend, the mutual guy friend’s gay friend, a young and still in the closet 18 year old boy, an Asian preacher or minister or some charlatan and a mutual friend of the girls and I.  Towards the end of the meal, we decided to play a game of telephone (where you whisper something into the ear of the person next to you and keep passing it on until it goes once around the circle).  I decided to start the phrase so I leaned to the girl sitting on my right and said “This isn’t part of the game, I want to suck your cock, just make something up.”  I made sure to say it slowly and clearly so that she would remember exactly as I had said it.  It was great to watch it get passed around the table, especially when it got to the homosexual and the still in the closet young boy.  Even after it had gotten all the way around, people still weren’t sure if it was the original message or someone else had made it up along the way.

Shout Outs –

The Thief – Listen here you little prick, I swear to Allah that if I see you on the street wearing an outfit of mine and walking the streets of LA that I’m going to give you a knuckle sandwich.

Sami, Ziigmund, Beautiful Finnish Bunnies – I’m sorry, I know I told you I would visit Finland sometime after the series but I just haven’t had a chance.  I promise I’ll book a ticket as soon as I can.  I also need one of you guys to talk to Jasper’s girlfriend and make sure that I can stay with/in her.

Ok, so it’s been a really long time but hey, it’s still me, Mikey.

I guess I’ll just take it from the top since I have a lot to talk about.  Our place that we’re staying in for the summer is an absolute panty dropper.  Pool table, hot tub with a glass wall overlooking the strip, a shower, some lamps and chairs and stuff, two paintings, a railing around the edge of the balcony – just really high class stuff.  I’m trying to get Phil to let me host a craigslist orgy at the place but I think I’m going to have to sell it a bit more before he gives the OK.

I pulled a really good practical joke on myself the other day that I’d like to talk about.  We go through a lot of water at our place so there are inevitably a ton of empty smart water bottles laying (laying or lying? Help me out here) our place.  I was having a relaxing soak in our hot tub and picked up one of the empty water bottles on the side of the hot tub and brought it into the tub and filled it with water.  I sealed the cap on tightly and left it by the side of the hot tub thinking that someone would eventually get a gulp full of chlorine/essence of Mikey+Phil/hoodrat juice water.  A few days go by and the bottle isn’t there anymore so I figure someone must have thrown it away.  Later that week, I pour a bunch of booze into my head and wake up with a solid hangover.  The first thing I did was reach on the nightstand next to my bed for a smart water bottle and get about halfway through with the bottle before I realized that it was indeed the hot tub water that I was drinking.  I was flooded with emotion – at first I was really mad, then felt kind of sick, then throw-uppy and lastly I had a good laugh at such a successful prank.  I guess I was able to evaluate the situation objectively even though I was the butthole of the joke.

I guess I can finally write something about poker because I’ve played a couple of events so far.  So I’m currently the 25^th best $2,500 pot limit Omaha player in the world right now.  On my final hand, I raised up a nice looking double suited junk (diamonds and spades) and was reraised by someone and we ended up getting it in pre.  He had clubs and hearts which I knew was going to win.  I really think I should have waited until I at least had clubs because I always hit club flushes and Phil has told me on numerous occasions that both clubs and hearts make flushes about 10% more than the other suits.  Some of the highlights of that PLO tournament were busting Hellmuth.  He’s sort of a whack job because he always asks the dealer to remove his hands from the deck after they cut it.  It amazes me that someone who has played cards for as long as he has thinks that he’s either being cheated or that the cards aren’t being fully randomized unless that procedure is followed.  Johnny Chan does that booshit a lot too but at least he has the excuse of being Asian and superstitious.  I won’t go into too much detail about the hand cause it’s not that interesting but I got him with the old limpry-goose.  I limped AAds under the gun and when it gets to him he pots it.  I give him a repot and then he tanks and starts yelling “REALLY KID?  OK, lets see if I can hit my set!” and calls leaving himself about a pot size bet.  Flop comes K43 w/ two hearts, I have AA57 w/ nut hearts so before I shove the flop, Hellmuth goes “fine, whatever, here TAKE IT, I’m all in.”  So I guess I called, or shoved, I’m not really sure, but he had like Q1086 with one suit which happened to be hearts so I guess I pushed his shit in real good on that hand.  The thing I don’t understand is that before he called my repot preflop, he said he was going to try to hit his set but he didn’t even have a pair in his hand!  I told him that I didn’t appreciate his ruse after I saw his hand.  Another highlight was knocking out Andy Bloch on the bubble.  It was folded around to me in the SB and I said “goin up,” and raised the shit out of it.  Andy looks at his cards and snap shoves and I was way priced in.  Even if I wasn’t priced in and Andy was the chip leader of the tournament and I was 2^nd in chips, I would have shipped it because I had a really good feeling about my hand.  Of course I flop a straight and bink a flush(clubs) vs his naked aces.  Needless to say, he was kind of upset but he handled it pretty well.  I would have said the F word way more than he did.

Non poker/Finland stuff –

I finally met the man they call Ziigmund and it was everything I thought it would be and more.  He’s so f cool that I didn’t really know what to say when I saw him.  Larsluzak has been putting in some good words for me with Ilari and I think we are going to hang out again before the summer is over and I’ll be sure to update everyone on the status of that.

I played golf for the first two times of my life this summer.  The first time was at TPC Las Vegas with Sami (LarsLuzak) and I think I bit off a little more than I could chew.  I can’t really make contact with the driver so I had to use my irons and pitching wedge out of the tee box which didn’t bode well for the par fives.  We made a ton of bets throughout the round, one where he gave me 8 strokes out of the bunker which was right next to the green when he was on the green.  He 3 putted and believe it or not, we tied the hole with the 8 strokes.  It took me 6 or so tries to get it out of the bunker and I was getting increasingly pissed with each stroke so on the final stroke I sent it about 200 feet passed the green.  Wha-eva.

Oh, another thing that happened to me recently and is kind of embarrassing is that I had just landed back in Las Vegas from a flight from Boston and decided to go for a run (in my socks) on the treadmill in our room.  I jack it up to the highest speed and run a quarter mile.  At the end of one lap, I go to stand on the sides of the treadmill and turn it off but I had misjudged how wide my feet needed to be and my foot hit the tread and was flung back.  I slipped but was still holding onto the bar.  The pool table is located directly behind the treadmill and I didn’t want to release the bar and go careening into the pool table so I took probably 6 seconds or so to assess the situation, all the while the tread was going full speed and ripping the skin off my knees and foot.  I eventually decided to barrel roll off and barely escaped the pool table. My knees and feet were bleeding for a couple hours and got the inside and a little bit of the outside of my jeans bloody and what not.  Now there is just a puss filled scab, so that’s kinda hot.

No shoutouts this post because no one has really caught my fancy.  I promise some next time because I’ll be on the lookout for cool people. 

Oh hey everyone!  It’s me, Mikey.

As if my former roommate wasn’t useless enough, he used my computer to update his Sirius radio which he insisted would take less than 10 minutes and ended up taking two hours.  After downloading an absurd amount of programs to fix his tuner, my computer didn’t work anymore.  I have spent the last two weeks fixing it which is the reason that I haven’t updated recently.  I had a lot of good ideas that I wanted to share too but I can’t remember some of them.  So without further ado, let’s talk about what is grinding my gears.

I’ll start with some terrible news – Danny Gokey lost on American Idol.  I care about this for no other reason than the $50 I lost getting 15:1 on a bet with Phil.  We kept pausing the episode to workout a buyout but we could never agree on a price.  I guess I should have accepted his final offer of $25 before it was announced.  Adam Lambert?  Seriously?  How is he an AMERICAN idol?  I guarantee he is doing Rent or some other homoerotic love fest on Broadway in two years.  He is such a one-trick-pony with his pud-boy, screaming, one note antics and it’s frustrating to see people reward that garbage.  Some of you, judging from some of the comments I’ve gotten, may think that I am being homophobic but you’re wrong.  I am anything but scared of gays as that term implies.

On that note, one thing that I’ve noticed about New York is that when I am out and about, I sometimes see two boys kissing.  Recently, I’ve gotten really confused when I see this because I forgot about gay people and didn’t really understand what they were doing.  At first I got nervous because I didn’t understand what was going on, and then I started laughing because I thought it was some sort of prank and then I remembered gay people and just continued walking.

In less than one week, the prodigal son (me) will be making his triumphant return to Las Vegas for the WSOP.  The place that we’re staying in is so fresh that I’m guaranteeing I run up through at least three hood rats.  Suns out, guns out bitches.  Also, I’m guaranteeing that I win a bracelet this year so if you want some free money, go ahead and see what kind of odds you can get on me winning a bracelet and then leverage the shit out of yourself to get action on it.  Also, I’m not making any promises, but we’re working on getting some fresh as shit bluefire gear like sweatshirts, hats, tuxedos, speedos, edible undies, unitards etc. before the start of the series.  If that sounds like something you might be interested in and you see me somewhere in Las Vegas, say something to me and you might get a free piece of gear.  I promise now that my computer is fixed I will update more regularly.  Ok bye.

Shoutouts –

Mig.com – At first I didn’t like you and Halfrek because you won over 90% of tournaments that you entered but now I think you’re really cool.

Bill Gazes – Remember when you pulled that disgusting suck out on me in the $2500 PLH tourney last year?  Well you look like an anorexic Vlade Divac and I hate you.  Suck it easy you jerk.

Amanda Leatherman – Yum

Ziigmund – How excited are you that we are so close to hanging out?  Lars and his friend invited me to Finland and I am going to take them up on their offer.  See you at WSOP and then in the motherland.  Dipset.

Luke Schwartz – Gay.  You look like Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts.  Keep talking shit about Hac and Tom and you’ll have a free ticket on the pain train.

WhenIGetFree - I dig your style brah, you can get a sweatshirt if you see me sittin pretty at the WSOP.

Oh hey everyone!  It’s me, Mikey.

Today I’d like to elaborate on a point that I briefly introduced in a previous blog and that is that police officers are the absolute scum of the Earth.  About a week ago, I got a text from my roommate in Vegas that said there was a cop at the house asking where I was because I had an outstanding warrant for my arrest.  He left his number with them and told them to tell me to call him the following day if they got a hold of me.  I talked to him the next day and explained that I was under the impression that I had straightened out the tickets I had before I left Las Vegas.  I had three tickets – each one for a more bullshit charge than the next and I had paid $600 for making a left turn at a light THAT WAS GREEN but had a left turn light that was red, not staying in my lane, failure to use a turn signal and the third ticket which was the coup de grace was for the registration on my car being off by one letter from my actual license plate which was the fault of the DMV and not having my insurance card with me.  When I brought payment to the courthouse for the tickets, I also brought a copy of the registration, a printed picture of my license plate demonstrating the error made by the DMV and a letter from my insurance company that stated that there was no lapse in coverage on the date I was pulled over and that I simply did not have my insurance card with me at the time.  I guess they didn’t think that I provided enough information to satisfy the needs of the court.  What the FUCK have we come to as a society when police officers are incapable of objectively looking at the circumstance of a given “crime” and making a judgment call?  The kicker here is that the ticket for the insurance card and registration is $1700 together and the bench warrant for my arrest added on another $400.

What happened to the motto “Serve and Protect?”  I can honestly say that I have yet to have an encounter with a police officer that I look favorably on.  They do absolutely nothing besides write chicken shit tickets to good, law abiding citizens and extort money from hardworking people.  Is it just me or is it completely insane that a simple traffic violation is punished with a $350 ticket?  It amazes me whenever a discussion in local politics arises about budget cuts and people say that we shouldn’t cut the budget of our police force because they want to stay safe.  How brainwashed and high do you have to be to realize that cops don’t protect anyone from anything ever?  How about we get officer cookie tits who is sitting with his partner at a stop sign issuing $200 tickets to people who coast through it at 2 mph to shake a leg and do some real, actual police work.  I can’t even fathom the job descriptions of police officers nowadays.  I know for a fact that if their brethren that worked on the force 50 years ago saw the disgusting extortion schemes that they’re running and the pedantic, “by the book” work that they’ve been relegated to that they would be outraged.  The truth of the matter is that cops were the kids that were picked on in high school and they are certainly making us pay for it now..  They turned other people in for cheating on a test.  They follow the rules and refuse to acknowledge that an extenuating circumstance could exist.  I believe that we law abiding citizens are also partially to blame for allowing the formation of a system designed exclusively to rape us and pillage our money.  The long arm of the law has been shoved so far into my colon that I’m not going to shit right for a month.  I’ll let you know how this issue gets resolved in the next two months or so – I believe I am getting another court date which I intend to use as a conduit to share the thoughts I’ve just shared with you.  Know this blog readers and the Las Vegas court system – I would rather spend two months in jail then give you a mother fucking nickel of my hard earned money.

Shout outs –

TJ and Casey (the two police officers I actually know) – I don’t believe that you guys fit into the category of officers that I talked about before.  I implore you to start a grass roots campaign to get cops back to the protectors and servers that they are supposed to be.

Guy Laliberte – How many $1 transfers to your account do I have to make before you realize and send me $50,000 as a funny joke?  I’ve probably sent you $60 by now.  Come on man, get the net.

My Roommate – I will keep my air conditioner on as LONG AS I GOD DAMN PLEASE!  I don’t conserve, I like my room like an ice box and I pay my portion of the bill so suck it easy.

Goldenvizer (commenter on my previous blog) – It seems that you feel that calling someone black when they are a black person has a negative connotation.  It’s actually racist of YOU to insinuate that I was being racist by calling my opponents black.  Furthermore, how do you know my opponent wasn’t a “stupid slut?”  I got news for you - she offered to make like a circus seal and blow our whole team after the game.  You are seriously offended by someone describing a person as a fag, hippie or slut?  You must be an absolute blast to chill with...  What do you and your friends do when you hang out?  Cut yourselves and talk about how the man is bringing you down?  There is a very easy way to file your protest against my blog – change the channel.  Don’t read it.

OMG!  It’s Mikey.

The most important thing that I need to talk about is our football game.  I can say unequivocally, that it is in the top three best sporting events that I have ever been involved in.  Our team has been on a huge heater after coming out of the gates really cold.  Watching the other team in their pregame warm-ups, it became obvious that we were going to have our work cut out for us this week.  Every one of their players was extremely athletic and a black person except for one white person and they all had wristbands with numbered plays.  They jumped out to a quick two touchdown lead but only converted on one of the extra points.  We clawed our way back, eventually scoring the go-ahead touchdown with 1 minute 40 seconds remaining in the game to make the score 20-19.  Their offense came onto the field and hit two quick passes putting them at midfield with approximately 70 ticks left on the game clock.  After a controversial play in which their receiver appeared to tip the ball to himself to avoid being tagged resulted in a touchdown, the stage was set for an Elway-esque one minute drill.  We attempted to air it out on play one of our drive to catch them sleeping but it appeared we weren’t going to be able to pull one over on these behemoths.  Two quick, run-and-shoot style plays got us onto their side of the field, about 20 yards from the end zone.  We had about 30 seconds left on the clock and I ran a great crossing route with my teammate which caused an epic collision between the two defenders and resulted in a catch giving us first and goal from the 10 yard line with 12 seconds left.  We were playing for two cracks at the end zone as we had no time outs.  The first pass sailed over the heads of our receivers and took 6 seconds off the clock.  The next play, which we assumed would be our last, was inches out of the reach of a receiver who had beaten his man to the corner.  I felt my heart sink and honestly felt like throwing up.  I take any sporting event extremely seriously and when a game is this close, losing is unacceptable.  We all glanced at the timekeeper on the sideline who said “1.5 seconds” which meant we had one final play.  We lined up and the ball was snapped.  Again a crossing route…the defense is scattered…Ryan “Our Savior” (quarterback) is scrambling…the stupid slut assigned to pass rush finishes her five Mississippi count and begins rushing in…the back foot is planted and like a piston in a Ferrari, Ryan sends a ball into the end zone…BISCUIT/BASKET, YAHTZEE, BING BONG, COUNT IT, 50 UNGGGGH, DIPSET BITCHES, GAME-SET-MATCH, 26-25 final score, NEXT SONG.

After that, the team went to the bar to have 3 or 14 Hoegaardens.  An important topic that has affected me recently that I would like to opine on is animals.  I would say that on an average walk in New York City I see approximately two dogs defecating on the sidewalk.  For some reason, I find this to be so appalling and I actually get nauseous if I watch it take place.  The most atrocious part of the situation is when the human being picks up the feces of the animal with their hand to throw away.  Touching the poop of a subservient creature is so incredibly submissive.  Why would anyone CHOOSE to do this?  Why would anyone choose to have a pet for that matter?  I never understood the point of owning an animal that has no utility.  It seems like the most common argument is that the animal provides love for the owner.  How down and out does a person have to be that they require an animal to provide love to them?  It’s almost a slap in the face to the friends of the owner that he would rather spend time with an animal than his human friends.  If love is the sole reason for owning a pet, you may as well purchase a sex slave.  At least they offer some sort of utility.  Owning A dog or a cat means a person is willingly accepting additional chores each week as well as a financial burden and for what?  I assume that there are a couple of hippie fags reading this right now asking “But Mikey, would you ever have a pet?”  And the answer to that is yes, I would have a pet and it would be a cow, pig, chicken, turkey, lamb or bison and owning the pet would have an end goal which would be beef, pork, chicken breasts, turkey sausage, lamb chops or a bison burger respectively.

Ok bye

Shout outs:

Kristy Arnett – Wow, you have a blog on BlueFire?  I just went from 6 to midnight.  Get some.

Gus Hansen – If you think you’re better than me, well you’re not.

Baby Chelsea – Great performance in the game this past weekend.  Phil and I discussed each players contribution ad infinitum and your name kept coming up as a reliable and solid player.  Hazaa Hazaa.

David Cross – That was cool when you were ordering coffee at the same place that I was.  If you read this and want to hang out, let me know.  Thanks.

Ilari - TAY KEE LAH

Oh hey everyone!  It’s Mikey!

Ok, sorry I haven’t updated in a hot minute, I’ll try to write more frequently.  A lot has happened since I last updated and the first coolest thing is that I got to hang out with the one and only LarsLuzak.  He came over to Phil’s early in the evening and it was a little weird at first because I made a couple of jokes that he and his Finnish friend didn’t get.  After 10 minutes, I was able to figure out their sense of humor.  Apparently, all Finnish people do is drink.  I don’t really consider myself a big drinker but I can usually keep up with most people.  Lars kept buying rounds and the Americans had three full drinks in front of us while they just kept pounding theirs.  Hazaa Hazaa Sami.  Another thing that was tight about the two Scandi’s was their confidence with hoodrats.  We went to some club that was supposed to be real tight and hard to get into or something and right when we get in, Lars and his boy start bombing drinks and fingercrushing every backstage bunny in the club.  I kept peppering Lars and his boy with questions about Scandinavia and by the end of the night, I had reinforced my already amazing image of what it is actually like.  Lars said that girls – who are all perfect 10’s – have sex with anyone if you just ask.  The country doesn’t have STD’s so they aren’t worried about that.  So basically, everyone is holding hands and singing, drinking hand crafted ales/vodkas, eating fresh caught fish and then pairing off and going to make more Scandi’s.    The only negative aspect of Scandi’s is the tax rate.  Lars and Ziigmund are single handedly paying for all the hospitals, roads, subsidized housing, government salaries etc for everyone in Finland.  They should erect statues to the Finnish holy trinity - Ziigmund, PA, Lars.

And since we’re on the topic of taxes, I just lost my corporate league basketball game by one point in overtime, and got a statement today describing the taxes being withheld from my paycheck, let me take a second to tell you why taxes are the worst thing ever.  Where to begin…First off, I am getting such an unfair shake in the tax game that it is truly unbelievable that they are able to steal this money from me and offer me nothing in return.  Over the past couple weeks, I’ve debated a number of my friends about this and none of them were able to convince me that I’m getting even a fraction of the money I pay in taxes back to me in some form.  The standard examples that most people immediately jump to are roads, school systems, police and firefighters.  Before I moved to NYC and I still had my car, the roads were the only thing that I could say that I utilized and benefited from.  Now that I no longer drive, I cannot even rationalize to myself that I am getting some sort of service out of my tax dollars.  I agree that tax dollars should go towards public education however I am not the one responsible for paying for my own education.  When my parents made the decision to have children, they also made the decision to have their wages taxed for my education.  When I make the decision to have children (Which lord knows I’ve been trying, I’m ready to have kids right now. If you don’t believe me ladies, try me) I will also gladly have my wages garnished to pay for their education.  The worst example that people give when debating me about taxes is that they help pay for the police force.  I swear to god, in 24 years of existence, I have never had a positive experience with a police officer.  They do nothing but suck the life out of everything that they touch.  To steal a quote about my ex-girlfriend in the previous blog, policemen are the ice princesses of society.  The amount of chicken shit tickets that I’ve been written over the last 10 years alone should exempt me from having to pay taxes for the next 20 years.  78mph in a 35 zone?  What the fuck ever dude, there weren’t even other cars on the road and I’m a borderline professional driver.  When they show those bullshit car commercials and “Do not attempt, professional driver, closed track” flashes on the bottom of the screen – I could easily do all of those stunts.

All the other services – social security, unemployment, disability, welfare – I would rather sign a document saying that I will never collect from any of those funds under any circumstance if they stop taxing me to contribute to those funds.  Why should I be taxed to support some jerk off who can’t find a job?  Also, we are doing our society and the entire world a disservice by subsidizing the incomes of people who cannot make enough money to get by.  I believe there was a recent statistic that the average family had 2.1 or 2.3 children.  That means, by assisting the poor and allowing them to stay afloat, we are compounding the problem at an exponential rate.  At some point, our tax rate for the rich – and not that I am rich but I’m certainly making more then the jerkoffs stealing my money from unemployment and welfare – is going to be astronomical.  At least the Scandi’s can say that they get free healthcare for the money they pay.  Taxes HONESTLY make me reevaluate the efficacy of a eugenics program.

Sorry about that guys, I had to get that off my chest.  I promise to keep future blog posts more lighthearted.  In other news, every time I get on the elevator in my building, it is packed full of hot ass.  I always have to debate whether to take the elevator or not because I live on the third floor and I feel like when I get on, all the hot ass start thinking “Oh my god, what a fat, disgusting, faggot.  Why can’t he just take the stairs?”  Oh, and last thing that happened to me that was kind of a confidence builder…I was walking home from the gym and a cab stopped behind me.  “Mikey Stotz?”  Turns out it was a girl from my high school that I don’t think I ever talked to but I still knew who she was.  The first thing she says “That is so weird!  I had a sex dream about you the other night!”

Ok Shoutouts

The IRS – Suck it.  You are wolves in sheep’s clothing.  You disgusting thieves.

LarsLuzak – I swear to god I’m taking you up on your offer to go to Helsinki/Monaco.  You tight dude.  Oh, and now I’m only one degree of separation from Ziigmund!

Jesus – 2009 years ago tomorrow and you still got people sweatin you.  Impressive.

Chelsea – Tight win.  I’d really like to see Chelsea/Man U but they can’t seem to stop shitting the bed.

Ladies – What’s up yo?

Addendum - I intentionaly did not mention the "war on terror," money spent on classified projects, the Federal Reserve, national debt etc because I'd rather not make this a 15 page blog post.  If you know about these things, that's cool.  If you don't, you should look into it.

Mikey, unghh, Bentley, unghh.  Hey it’s me, Mikey.

Good news and bad news…Good news first – my birthday was this past Saturday and it was fresh.  Some of the highlights included the pre-party at Phil’s place.  In order to get into the party, people had to say the password to the doorman which was “get weird.”  To his credit, the doorman actually made everyone in attendance say the password.  There was a really wide selection of good beer and booze which was exactly what I wanted.  I also like when there is a wide variety of people like a bunch of sluts, then some cool people, then my good friends, then some people that I kinda know and then a couple weirdoes or something.  Now for the bad news…Miley Cyrus didn’t pop out of my birthday cake or show up at all.  I know Phil probably tried his hardest to make that happen but sometimes things like that just don’t work out.  Thanks for trying man.

Our football team suffered another crushing defeat, 28-6.  We had about five cracks from the goal line, we just could not put the biscuit in the basket.  They are really strict about the no contact rule which sucks.  I had some perfect opportunities to lay people out with some blind side, helicopter blocks + some chop blocks on the line but I had to pull up every time.

At the gym I just joined, they have a sauna in the recesses of the basement.  It’s tucked into the very back of the men’s locker room so I decided to get a good sweat.  The weird thing about it was the three separate signs posted conspicuously outside and inside the sauna saying that there was to be no funny business inside.  I didn’t know the sauna was such a hotbed of gay sex.

My roommate rents out the third bedroom in our place to people off Craigslist for short stays – typically a week or so.  So for the past two months, people have been shuffling in and out of our apartment and each time a new guest arrives, I get my hopes up that it is going to be some fresh as shit, right tight, beautiful hoodrat.  This morning was the biggest letdown to date.  I woke up and heard my roommate talking to the new guests.  She had a hot voice and a British accent.  I sat in bed for a few minutes listening to this before I decided to venture outside.  I kept repeating “please look like Keira Knightly, please look like Keria Knightly” in my head in the hopes that the mantra would effect the outcome.  I eventually made it out of my room only to discover that the girl looked exactly like Margaret Cho.  What a disappointment.

Shout outs

Z – You’re the most eligible Vietnamese bachelor in the world.  I feel like when we hang out with Ziigmund in Vegas I’m going to finally get the smorgasbord of snatch that I’ve been hoping for.

Jesse Colgrove – what it do baby?  Thought of you the other night on my birthday when I cracked open the Johnny Blue.

Guy that ‘accidentally’ spilled a drink on me at some club two nights ago – I remember your face you little fuck.  You better pray to the god of skinny punks that I never see you again.

Oh hey guys, it’s me, Mikey, the people’s champ.

Some pretty good things have been going on this past week.  Dave “Raptor” Bennefield and Martin “Australian Assassin,” “Crocodile Hunter,” “Dr. Chase,” “Great Barrier Reef,” Eucalyptus Leaves,”  “Outback Steak House,” “Foster’s Beer” are here from out of town.  They made a guest appearance on our football team in the game this Saturday which was an absolute disaster.  We have a really dope quarterback, great arm/decision making, we just have no plan of attack.  Phil brought up a good idea in the team pow-wow after the game; because our team has a high net worth, we were thinking of things that we could buy to make our team better.  So far, we were thinking about paying an out of work NFL coach – someone like Bill Cowher or Norv Turner.  I suggested that we take a more proactive approach in developing the talent we already have by putting everyone on a couple cycles of anabolic steroids.  Krantz/Phil/Emil if you’re reading this, if you buy them, I SWEAR TO GOD I will do them.  After the game, the ref told us that we should consider moving from the “players” league into the “casual” or even the “extremely casual” division which was a total dagger.  I can only imagine the disgusting, wide-body, pug fugly, uggo, cripples that play in the “extremely casual” league.

Another thing that happened that was kinda weird was that I accidently went into a gay bar.  I was walking home from work and wanted to grab a pint at a bar so I decided that I would go into the first bar that I came across.  I had my headphones in so I wasn’t really paying attention and walked into this place kind of near my apartment.  It was around 4pm so there weren’t really too many people in the junk and there were some girls.  I guess I should have realized that the place was a total cock cave from looking around when I walked in but I had a lot on my mind and was more focused on the beer that I was going to drink.  I sat at the bar and some bro out of a Hollister ad poured me a brew.  After two or three sips I started looking around and noticed the Freddy Mercury posters, flyers for Rent, rainbow decorations, dudes doing blow off each others dorks, butt plug vending machines, dudes in leather masks etc.  I started to get really nervous after the realization sank in, I pounded my beer and left.  I guess on the bright side of this encounter, when I inevitably strike out with all the sluts at the bars, there is a glory hole down the street where I know I can get my D wet.

My birthday is this coming Saturday and Phil and I have been tossing some ideas around for how to celebrate.  I really want Miley Cyrus to play a private concert at a place near us.  I also want The Game to do some songs so maybe they could have a crossroads style concert where they both sing each others songs.  If you live in New York/close to NYC and want to come to my birthday party, let me know and I’ll decide if you’re good looking enough to come or not.  Zooey Deschanel – if you’re reading this, you can come, you don’t need to ask.

A horrible thing that happened this week was my ex girlfriend came to NYC with her friends.  She really wanted to hang out and get slain or whatever so she was chirping me the whole time she was here which was only one night.  After hanging out with her for three minutes or so, I realized why she is the absolute worst.  She is like the opposite of King Midas – everything she touches turns to absolute shit.  She sucks the life out of anything around her like the Ice Queen from Narnia.  After 15 minutes, I said “ok bye” and then left.

Shout outs –

Ladies – Ok, I know I walked into a gay bar and I want Miley Cyrus to perform at my birthday.  I’m not gay, I swear.  I’ll prove it to you if you’re trying to find out.

Ziigmund – Sorry about the NBC heads up junk, I was pulling for you yo.  You can come to my birthday.

Tom Dwan – That was tight, Barry and Peter Eastgate – you got got.  Phil told me about that junk before I saw it on TV and I really thought the announcers were going to say that you were value betting.  You tight, you tight.

Danny Gokey – If you don’t win American Idol, I swear to god I’m going to jump off the tallest building in NYC.

Anoop – How the HELL is ANOOP ß- ANOOP! Going to be AMERICAN Idol.  AMERICAN Idol.  America.  Freedom.

Girl with the full sleeve tattoo on Idol – Damn bitch, what’s up girl?  I def see you ma.  You can come to my birthday.

Oh hey, it’s Mikey.

There are so many good things that have happened this week that I don’t know where to start but I will save the biggest bombshell for the end…

Our co-ed football league started today and it’s the best thing that’s happened to me since I moved to NYC.  There are so many backstage bunnies in the league that if I don’t crush hot ass before the end of the season, I swear to god that I will swan dive off the Empire State building.  In game 1 with the team that I’m actually signed up to play with, we got worked pretty bad.  Normally I think that I would be really pissed off about this but there is something about having girls on the field that makes it less heated and competitive.  It’s also easy to use them as a scapegoat and blame them for the loss.  After we finished, the team that was supposed to play next didn’t show up so they were asking for volunteers to play another game.  This game went much better than my first game.  I had a bunch of “tackles” and one two point conversion that I intercepted and ran back.  I made the mistake of laying out for a sack on one play and got a bad turf face burn on my lip and nose that kind of looks like a herpe.  I’m going to have to explain to all the hoodrats that I’m clean, I just hustle like shit.  Oh, Melissa – from the blue team, if by chance you’re reading this, what’s up girl?  I would go down on you for no less than 15 minutes.  You can email me or something and we can just get weird or whatever.

I finally learned how to use the subway.  It’s not really as complicated as I thought it would be especially using the website hopstop.  A cool thing about the subway is that I saw three, nay, four interracial couples on a 20 minute subway ride.  I thought that was kinda weird.  Also I saw these two people who were really going to work on each other for the whole ride.  One person had their back turned to me so I couldn’t really see them but I was pretty sure that it was a lesbian couple.  They were making out with tongues for at least two minutes and that isn’t hyperbole.  When they finally stopped, the person turned around and it was a dude the whole time.  They were both really gross – but hey, if you guys are reading this right now, hit me up if you wanna have a swingers party or some shit.

And the news you’ve all been waiting for…I talked to Ziigmund (I can’t believe Microsoft Word has a red squiggly under ‘Ziigmund.’  I added it to dictionary but they should release a patch or something for that.) on the phone!  I can honestly say that it was one of the top five best phone calls of my life.  I will try my best to transcribe the events leading up to the call and the conversation.

Call from ‘Tom Dwan’…hmm, what the shit does Tom want?

“Hello?”

“Hallo – Mikey”

“HOLY SHIT, SERIOUSLY?”

“Yah, this iss Ilari…or yah, whatever”

“Oh man, this is so cool”

“Yah so…Adanna oot kirdavidda antooauit (trailing off in Finnish)”

“Hey man, thanks for the call, you tight yo, good luck in the heads up junk”

End scene.

So now that we’re bff, next step is to start hanging out and slaying all of Ziigmund’s leftovers which I’m sure numbers in the hundreds.

Shout outs:

Ilari – that was awesome yo, thanks for the call.  See the above quote for the next step in our friendship.

Fullflush – you look and sound like Amy Winehouse, but I guess you’re kinda tight or whatever.  Z got you good though by telling you that he doesn’t have time to play nickel dime against all his fans.

Melissa from the blue team – (see the end of the paragraph that begins “Our co-ed football league.”)

Kristy Arnett – Damn girl, get it right get it tight.  I see you ma, stay frosty girl.

Que pasa sluts, it’s Mikey.

I haven’t been able to update recently because I still don’t have the internet at my place.  My roommate is pretty useless.  He keeps asking me if I would like him to get me on the phone with tech support to find out why his router isn’t working.  The router is clearly broken and it makes a really loud humming noise when it’s plugged in.  He makes me want to put his face on a deli slicer.  The worst thing about him is that he smokes cigs in the apartment.  He claims he only does it in his room though so he doesn’t understand how I could smell it in my room.  Keep it up bitch and I’ll have your body dumped in Marcy.

In other news, I went into Chinatown today.  The  name is not a misnomer whatsoever.  At one point, I was the only white person on the street for two blocks and there wasn’t a single thing written in English for as far as the eye could see.  There were SO MANY Chinese people.  I don’t know why that surprises me, I guess I figured that there would be a lot of white tourists walking around and oogling all the ducks hanging in the window and such like Amish town but it was only people that looked exactly like Raiden.

I went out to the bar the other night and I almost made a mistake that I had made in the past which reminds me of a story I wanted to tell…  I was at a bar in Vegas with my two roommates and I had gotten separated from them when we walked in.  I went to the bar and ordered a drink and then did a quick loop around the club to see if I could find them.  I was pretty sure that I saw one of my roommates across the room and started making my way towards him.  *Side note: earlier in the day, my roommate had gotten me with a vicious sac tap that I swore I would seek revenge for.  For those that down know what a sac tap is, it’s when you hit someone else in the nuts – not like a full punch or something, but just a quick tap when they aren’t paying attention.*  When I got up to my roommate, I sort of back pedaled over to where he was standing so that he wouldn’t see me and got in front of him.  We were both facing the bar with me in front hunched over the counter.  When he got close enough, I reached back for a sac tap but I misjudged the strike zone.  I tried to recover by moving my hand up and going for a second attack but by this point it turned into more of a groping.  I turned around to see if I inflicted any damage on my roommate only to be staring some random dude in the face.  Both of us had really weird looks on our faces and just sort of backed away from each other, not really sure of what just happened.

Hmm, who to shout out…

PeachyMer – you nasty twin, work your jelly, get weird on that tournament that you took down. Dip, dip, dipppppsetttt!  (good work yo)

Travis “The Turkey” Rice – what’s up man, someone set a line on the number of chicks you’ve slain since you last saw me and I’ll take the over.

Thuy – yo when you gonna let me get at that krispee kreme?

Ziigmund – get wet, stay wet.  I still havn’t heard from you man.  Hit me with a shoutout on coinflip.com?  You tight.

Oh, hey!  It's Mikey...

NYC is real tight.  Here is one example why.  Phil and I and a couple of bros went to this German bar near his place the other night to pound beers and scope sluts.  It was really German so the beer was good and our waitress spoke almost no English.  She was a fiesty, German little sex kitten that I was really getting seised for so I was trying to think of things to to talk to her about despite her limited English.  I came up with Volkswagons, the Auto Bahn, Oliver Kahn, how much WWII sucked, the word 'doppelganger,' lederhosen and also I was just going to start hitting Phil and yelling "Juden" as loud as possible.  Unfortunately, none of these things materialized because I couldn't muster up the courage to try any of them.  Phil had a great observation that I think is very true - any bar we've walked into, i'm willing to fight almost  every guy (within reason) in the bar but pussy out when talking to any girl.  Hopefully I'll be able to turn over a new leaf in NYC and shake the nervousness when talking to sluts.

Today I had a fairly simple task that I wanted to complete.  I wanted to take a current Iphone, purchase a new Iphone, transer the service from the old Iphone to the new Iphone and then set up a new account for the old Iphone with AT&T.  I severely underestimated how complicated this was going to be.  I went to two stores that i'm positive were fronts for something and asked a worker to make this happen.  One told me that it was possible and he would set it up.  I waited for 10 minutes while I thought he was in the back solving my problem.  I came to find out from another employee that he went on break and wouldn't be back for an hour.  At first I was pissed but then I had to hand it to him as it was pretty funny and something I could see myself doing to someone else.  The worst experience came at Best Buy.  I described my problem to the numskull working the counter only to be told that this was impossible to do.  Then I asked her if she would just sell me the Iphone and I would figure the rest out and she said that she could not do that.  I don't think it's possible to be a worse salesman than this cooze that I was dealing with.  For a minute or two, I thought I was on Boiling Points so I though I'd play it cool and scoop the C note.  It's very frustrating to talk to someone and not understand what they don't understand.

Peter 'Apathy' Jetten - I feel like we are relatively close in terms of our sex appeal but you crush exponentially more ass than me.  I envy you.  Do you have any tips or anything for me?  This is a serious question.

Brian 'Chud' Powell - Phil and I had a discussion and we think that you are one of the top 25 smartest people in Kentucky.  That's cool yo.

PeachyMer - mwah, mwah! smooches!  xoxoxoxxxxwtwtxxwtutsutsxxwt (o = hug, x = kiss, wt = with tongue, uts = up the shirt)  Luv ya girlee!!~  Can't wait to hang out!  So many smooches - see ya soon!

Ziigmund - Hey man, I'll come to Finland if you want, I'll start posting on coinflip.com or something, whatever it takes to hang out.

Wesley - you got got dude.  Clearly I didn't gain 35 pounds in 1 week.  I tried to pick a number that was clearly hyperbole but might fool some people.  Mission accomplished.